13 Aug The easier it is
It’s almost imperceptible, the easier-ness. It starts as a feeling like you were supposed to be somewhere or do something, but forgot.
You’ve been so used to the chaos, the tornado of people needing you one hundred percent of the time, that if there is one minute where they don’t, you feel lost. Like you missed an appointment, or stepped off a stair into space.
That feeling where something was, and now isn’t. The quiet.
My kids are all asleep tonight before ten p.m. It’s eerie.
And I realize, it will get easier. Henry can get himself a drink of water now. Danny can potty without us four out of five times. Ellie needs to be carried on my hip about two minutes less today than she did yesterday.
These marks on the wall, the growing-up. It’s sometimes in leaps. And sometimes I feel it just like I do right now. In that unfamiliar lost space.
What do I do with time to myself?
I won’t get too comfortable with it. One of them is bound to wake up crying soon. Then I can stop thinking about the bittersweetness of the forward march of time, and I’ll know what to do with myself. Being needed is my comfort zone these days. All too soon, it’ll be gone.